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| A man's life is not measured by its length, but by what he has accomplished in his lifetime.
What the hell have I done with my freaking life. I'm a horrible boyfriend, I'm a horrible college student, I can't even keep grades and do things normally. I'm awkward, and I'm unemotional. I don't get what people do that's different than what I do. Everyone has friends, everyone goes out and hangs out and laughs all the time. All the while, I'm here, sitting and wishing that the same could happen for me. I wish for the day that I could stop fucking stressing about everything.
I'm still a fucking baby. Not even, I'm not even fucking born.
Everyone has friends, everyone has talents, but what do I have. People are smarter than me, sing better than me, play guitar better than me, are kinder than me, are better looking than me, are better overall than me, and I'm just the weird, antisocial guy that tries to make friends but messes up all the time because he doesn't know how it's like to have genuine friends.
Stop this train, I wanna go back home again. I can't take the speed it's moving in
Where the hell went the days when I had friends that would hang out with me whenever I felt like it? What happened to those days when I would have to worry about anything? What happened to the days when I didn't feel so trapped? It's just so much and I have no right to complain, but honestly, my blood's boiling because I'm in a God damn hard spot that I can't get myself out of. It's either I lose my sanity and save a life, or lose my sanity and lose a life. It seems like such an easy answer, but nothing in life is so fucking easy, we all wish it was, but it isn't. I'm a prisoner until I can find refuge not for me, but Her. And once I've done that, I still lose it because She turned out like that because of me. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do that'll change what the fuck They have done to Her, as well as what the fuck I'm doing to Her. If I do let Her go, then I'm scared of what She'll do to Herself, and if She did anything to hurt Herself, I would be able to forgive myself.
I wonder sometimes about the outcome
Because whatever I do, I can't win. Nothing I do. Nothing I ever fucking do I can't win. I can try my hardest to get the best deal, but even then I'm losing more than I gain. I've basically been placed in a Learned Helplessness situation now. No matter if there was a way out, I can't see it because I've almost given up fully now. From all the people who've just tormented me and left me friendless since first grade till fourth grade, then the people who shunned me and left me having no choice but to be antisocial till sixth grade, to the people who never believed in me, who said I can't do what I want because it's impossible. To the people who never looked my way no matter what I do for them. You know what's fucking funny? The people I went to church with were more inconsiderate than the drunk, sex-addicted, druggies in college? Isn't that fucking messed up? Well, maybe it is, maybe it's fucking not, but it's EVEN more HILARIOUS that those same people at church shun the ones they feel are not 'good looking enough' to talk to. Arcola WAS a great place until a lot of things screwed it up. I'll be dead honest, I'm really not looking forward to coming back to New Jersey. Because I feel more welcomed here than at fucking Arcola. What the hell does that say? You look at everyone in church and only if you're popular or good looking are you really accepted into the social circle. Else you're either left alone or you attempt to join the circle constantly. I've done both. For years. I know how it feels to be the odd one out since first grade. I have never felt comfortable since first grade. I've never felt like my life was fucking stable, not even now.
I pray to God that there would be some sort of change, but we end up with more fucking problems. Why can't people just stop fucking fighting, it does nothing. And it does nothing to shun people. People, beauty doesn't last forever. I don't care what I'm writing, I give up with caring what the fuck people think. I've tried to be the nice guy who really cared for everyone, and honestly, I do, but I fucking give up on people who don't give shit. I've been given so much SHIT by so many people, especially back in New Jersey, I just don't see the reason.
It just wasn't worth it. Not at all. My life has been a shit hole. I've basically lead a life that always ended up hurt people. Friends, family, church 'friends', girlfriend, people in general. I feel so often that the world would have been better if I hadn't moved to America, where I became the awkward one. I'd miss everyone, but so many people would've miss me. I know that for a fact. The few weeks that I've left Arcola, only a select few ever asked what happened to me. And you know what? It was only the few people who actually fucking cared. Funny enough, those people are not even my God damn age, or older, they're FUCKING younger. Where do we start learning to act like this? Around the time that they reach high school. Why? Because the upperclassmen act like it. Why do they act like that? Because THEIR upperclassmen act like that.
I might be wrong, I might be right, I don't give a fuck anymore. Like I said, I'm not looking for anyone's consolation, I'm just writing this because I need to get everything out. I could scream my lungs out and punch a wall, but it won't help. There's so much in me that I want to say, but there's no one to say it to. Not even my girlfriend.
My girlfriend. I just don't know. She would have been better without me. I wish I hadn't said yes. I was happy, I am happy, but at the same time, I'm only happy because She's happy. I've learned so much about Her and there are so many things we've shared, but I feel like something's not right anymore. At the same time, I can't do shit because I know for a fact that She'll hurt herself if I wasn't with Her anymore. So to save Her, I stay with Her. I try my hardest not to feel anything, but little by little, I start to get more and more stressed out. And now, here I am pouring my mind out onto a fucking pathetic blog on Xanga. If I keep with Her, I'll most likely save her life, but I'll lose my own purpose to life. I won't be able to live my own life.
So the question now is: Is it better to save a life and lose your sanity in the process, or lose a life and regain your sanity until you lose it from the guilt of what you've done?
"I never meant to hurt your feelings.
I never meant to make you blue.
Funny how one can start with good intentions,
and wind up doing exactly what they meant not to do.
I didn't want to lose you,
I never meant to put up this wall,
and now it looks like I'm a Godless liar
and I'm feeling very small.
I'm feeling very small.
We all lose our way.
We all lose our way.
And I know that that's just an excuse,
but it's true just the same.
But that's my side of the story,
that's why I called.
And I guess you probably hate me,
but if it's any consolation,
I feel very small.
I feel very small.
I feel very small.
I feel very small"
-"Small" by Zach Gill
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| I've been thinking a lot lately, who would actually notice if I was to just disappear? That question is more of a curiosity than a morbid/depressing question, because obviously my family would notice and soon enough others will notice too, but who would immediately notice in the first few days? Maybe a few of my friends, but I've lost contact with so many of them, or they seem to be not talking to me or ignoring me lately so I don't think they'd think much of it. There's also friends out of school: church friends, SAT class friends, just friends I've randomly met; what about them? SAT class friends would notice soon enough, but there are only four of us in that class already. Friends I've randomly met? There's probably close to none of those since I rarely go out anymore. I'd say that church friends are the most debatable because so many things have been happening right now. P. Yo said some very uplifting and inspiring things to me that really helped me out, but JUST after he had said all that, it seemed like the world decided to contradict him right then and there... Ever since, everyone's been different to me, and the atmosphere at church has changed for me. Honestly, it's not a 'lets go to church to praise God, learn about the Word, and help others' it's been a 'I guess I should go since it's expected of me by pretty much everyone'. Since this change at church, I've also started counting how many people actually say 'thank you' to me after I've done something for them, or maybe just for something general. I've counted maybe 1-2 out of who knows how many things I've done.. I know I shouldn't be asking for gratuity, but I can't help it. I may not need the thanks because it is all for God, but it just hurts when it feels like something nice I've done goes unnoticed. It just hurts when it feels like I'm just simply being used because everyone's used to me usually helping out. It just hurts when people push me around and put their physical burdens on me just because they're too lazy or impatient to do so and know that I would happily do the task for them. I say physical burdens specifically because I don't mind helping people mentally and emotionally. I've always said to people "If you have something on your mind and you want to talk to someone about it, you can always come and talk to me privately and I'll keep it a secret" and a few people have come to me and do trust me, and they are possibly the few people that do say thank you to me often, or even if they don't, they express that thanks in others ways, whether it may be to write a letter to me, add me in a public speech (though I didn't really expect that at all), or if it's from a simple hug. I've been ranting here about how I never get thanks, but I am also being a hypocrite because I also forget once in a while to say thanks or give thanks to others who help me, but I try my hardest to thank people.
Going back to the first topic, I just have to wonder: who would actually notice if I was to just disappear? Who would remember me if I disappeared and how would I be remembered? I'm being a selfish jerk writing this, but I just want to get this all out because it has been eating away at me for weeks now and it hasn't been getting out of my head at all. I've tried my hardest to cheer others up when I should be cheering myself up first. I didn't see the plank in my eye while I helped others pull the grain of sand out of their eyes, to relate it sort of to the bible I suppose...
Something else I've been noticing about myself is that most of the pessimism I've been holding back inside me is starting to come out uncontrollably. I want to stay optimistic, but everywhere I go, everyone slaps me down, saying "no, you can't do this, you're not good enough", "no, you can't be with us, you're not cool enough", "no, you don't deserve me because you're not hot/smart/cool/funny enough", "no, you can't be part of this because of that." I try to tell myself that it's fine and that God intended it to end this way, or be this way, or for the people to say that to me, but in the end, I feel on the inside my mind telling me "What kind of God would let all this crap happen to you?" and though I say I have a pretty strong belief in my religion, my religious foundation is really shaken because I have so many doubts. Does God really intend to break me into pieces and hope that I can rebuild myself and not just go out and jump out of my room on the 3rd floor or go insane or something hazardous like that? Is this His test to me? If so, I honestly want to say, as John Mayer has said, "stop this train." I really do want to just jump out of my life because I can't stand all this. I'm not sure if I'm the only one going through this experience, or if everyone else also goes through with it on the inside, but I just wish that there was a way to get through this easier. I wish there was some sort of walkthrough or manual or cheat sheet to beating life. I want to just live comfortably.
"Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"
-'Stop this Train' by John Mayer
Those two parts of John Mayer's song explains how I've felt through my life. Up till the last few weeks, I've always felt 'safe and sound' and I never 'missed a thing', and life felt like it should, but now, I'm just done with it. Maybe this is why I've been listening to John Mayer songs lately; I can connect to his songs and his lyrics more and more as the day goes by. Not only this song, but even a song like Daughters. Though I'm not at age to have a daughter, the first verse up till the chorus really hits me. A lot of his songs really opened my eyes. Maybe there really isn't anything left to live for? What do I have ahead of me after high school and possibly college? A 6-10 hour job? Having to deal with living is a world where rarely anyone trusts each other? What is there to life for? We only live to succeed, but what have we succeeded in by becoming part of the corporate world? What life have I truly changed by being a brother, student, and friend? Even if I wasn't there, there would be hundreds of thousands of other people who would do the same thing as me. I'm just a typical person, a typical guy, a typical messed up teen, a typical screw up from some odd place in New Jersey that'll never live up to anyone's expectations. What do I have to live for? Life is just a race, but I want to quit, I want to stop running and just sit out from the race. As much as that goes against what the bible teaches, to go an run the race for the prize at the end of the road, I can't take it any much longer. No one truly appreciates me. They only say so because either I benefit them mentally, physically, or emotionally, or because they feel they have to, or because they feel there's nothing else to say.
How would I have turned out if I wasn't a Christian? How would I have turned out if I wasn't neglected by my whole elementary school from First to Fourth Grade and began to feel empathy for everyone around me? More so, how would the world have turned out if I wasn't ever born? Chances are, the world would still spin on its axis, there would be a bit less global warming, and my brother would be an only child. I don't know what I'm living for anymore, and it's not answers that I need from people, it's the genuine reassurance that I mean something to someone, even if it's one person, but that doesn't mean just a small comment on this blog saying "Oh, I care about you!" because maybe you mean it, maybe you don't and just want to cheer me up to feel better. I've done it before multiple times as well, so I can say that it does help, but only when they believe that you really mean well. Even if people do mean it, I can't help but think the worst of it anymore because of all the stuff I'm going through. I don't need some damn sign, I need someone to give me directions... I need a hug. Why? Because to me, that's what gets me through the day; a simple, genuine hug.
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| Snowboarding tomorrow, yay!
FNL today, yay!
The weekend is here finally, yay!
I'm starting to study harder, yay!
I got a PSP, yay!
I know how to read piano sheet music faster now, yay!!! These are the more major happy things that have been happening in my life. Obviously, life could be sooo much better, but when I look at others, I really have no reason to loathe the life that i live right now. I regret all the stupid mistakes I've made in the past, but it's time to man up and face that I can't change the past, only the future. The three main activities I shall persue until my death:
Study
Pray
Read the Bible The few things I shall be thinking about for the next few years:
How do I get closer to God
Who am I most closest with on this Earth
Finding out what Love TRULY is
How to avoid being pulled into bad influences Can't wait until snowboarding tomorrow though, but I'm sure that I'll be sore. Another worry of mine is my left shoulder.. My parents have been worried about this trip because I might dislocate it again while snowboarding, but they know I want to go badly, so they're letting me. I will go, but I'm worried what I would do if I was to dislocate my shoulder... I got new boots because I lost my other one last time I went (stupid, stupid, stupid!) but I like my new boots because they're comfy! School is becoming less of a drag and I'm starting to feel relieved that I'm doing better. I'm starting to think MUCH harder about school after the grades I recieved in the 2nd Quarter and my middies. I also got a slap in the face from a friend about my GPA and how it's not a good one at all... So I guess I was being a bit too laid back and it's time I started really working! While on the topic of academics, I've been thinking, maybe I should become a Chemist. It's very random, but I'm the best student in my Chem class by far and I had the best score in my class for the middies as well. But maybe it's just me. I'm going to take AP Chem and see where that leads me :P | | |
| Man, it's been a long time since I've been on Xanga... It's intresting how I seem to be listening to the song that I was so infatuated with when I last went on here, hahaha~ Not that much has changed on Xanga I see! Nothing all too exciting had changed in my life in my hiatus... (did I use that in the right place?) There have been alot of things I have been thinking about and find that I have alot of time to think about them, yet find no answer! It's so frustrating when that happens to me... Especially when it happens on three different subjects at the same time... -sigh.- I've been doing alot better in school and my GPA is higher than I had expected it to be, so I'm a bit glad~ Mid-terms. That's another story.... I usually never study for it, but I think I have to study for it this time. Italian is still such a pain to me, Java is an honors class so I'm worried about that, History and Chemistry couldn't be all too bad. English scares me, Gym is a breeze, and Music Theory gets me nervous. Things have been getting pretty complicated, and at the same time, I feel like I'm starting to understand how my friends and classmates feel when I hear about their pains in love... I need alot of help in my love life. Not that I need a gf, but to clear my mind to understand what's going on around me. | | |
| To the brother in Christ that had been my model ever since I've met him, to my best friend who had held the same aspirations as me, I will sorely miss you these next few weeks. You came and left just like the wind, but just as surely, you'll come back stronger and better than ever. The brother who was a young adult when I saw him first had changed to a strong man in the weeks that passed. I will follow the path you had set out for those who were inspired and so I begin to tread behind your tracks, waiting for that day that I can catch up with you and speak of both our accomplishments, and even failures. I'll see you in three weeks, my brother in Christ, my best friend, and my model. Sebastian Bae, Semper Fidelis; Always Faithful. To the Corps, to Christ, and to your brothers and sisters. Everyone will be waiting for you to come back! "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe."
-Proverbs 29:25 | | |
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